Time Marches On…

It’s been a crazy couple of months. Despite my grief and my occasional feeling that I can’t go on, time marches forward. The seasons change – both the weather and the athletic seasons. Baseball has started again, so we’re back at the ballpark several days a week. The first few games were bittersweet. We ran into so many people we knew from last Spring…so many people who cared about us and went through four months of pregnancy with us. Some of them were straightforward and asked how we were all doing after Ian’s death. Others danced awkwardly around the subject, waiting to see if it would come up. In those cases, I always brought it up…reassuring them that it’s okay to ask about it. I’d rather talk about Ian and what happened than pretend he never existed. Now the questions are all answered and everyone is comfortable with me again, and we are all enjoying our time at the games. Garrett is doing well this year, playing first base and catcher. Hailey started softball for the first time, and is enjoying it so much. Between the two of them, we are busy constantly…but I find that I like the chaos. Too much down time is depressing.

Today Ian would have been nine months old. I haven’t cried all day…yeah for me! I’ve thought about him several times…wondered what he would be doing now. Crawling? Babbling? As I sit here, I often glance up at his picture on the shelf and smile. Such a beautiful boy. And I miss him so much.

I’m pretty well recovered from my surgery. The procedure went well but, unfortunately, they could only fix one tube. The other was too scarred from the c-section. But the doctor seemed sure that the healthy tube went back together well and we would be successful getting pregnant again. I’m going for a test next week to make sure the tube is open…if so, we will start trying to get pregnant this month. Keep us in your prayers!

Ian's eggs.

Easter was a little bit emotional. The kids all got together and colored eggs, and talked about what Ian would do. Would the Easter Bunny scare him? Would he like hard-boiled eggs? They all made “Ian’s eggs” and whoever found them in the egg hunt got a special prize. We ended up going to my uncle’s house and the kids hunted for eggs with my cousins’ kids. It was enjoyable, and it helped to be able to spend Easter with another mother who was still grieving…it’s been two years since my cousin passed away, also from a brain tumor. Talking with my aunt, who has such a strong faith and so much courage, always grounds me.

Brandon and I continue to see our counselor. We have our ups and downs, but we are growing…both as individuals and as a couple. We have had some very hard times lately, but we are both determined to make our marriage work. We made a promise to each other and to Ian when he died, and we both intend to keep that promise.

So, that’s it. I don’t have any profound observations to share. I don’t have any interesting insights. I’m just a woman…a wife, a mother, a daughter…that is trying to find a “new normal” for her life. I know I will never be the same person I was before I lost Ian…I’m not even sure I want to be. So, in that regard, things will never return to “normal.” So, I’ve set the goal for myself of finding a “new normal.” An existence, a life, an emotional place that I can feel comfortable with. It used to torment me that I would never be the same…I wanted my old life back. But now I realize that isn’t going to happen – and I’m actually okay with that.

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