I can’t help but remember last Halloween. The bone-crushing grief. The depression. I tried so hard to make it a fun time for Garrett – but I just couldn’t get into it. I would not go back to that time for anything in the world. It’s when I think about that time – and read last year’s Halloween entry – that I realize how far I’ve come in this journey. I will admit that I had a really hard day two days ago. Not for any particular reason other than that I just felt sad. I think about Ian every day – but some days it just grips me and I almost can’t breathe because I miss him so much. And I’ve learned to just accept it when I have those days. I don’t make myself feel guilty about staying in bed half the day. I don’t apologize for letting the kids make their own frozen dinners. I just roll with it. What else can I do? As long as I just accept it, and let myself grieve, and cry when I want to, that paralyzed feeling seems to pass more quickly.
Garrett as "Hercules" and Hailey as "Aphrodite."
This year I have actually dressed up twice for Halloween, and gone to two parties. I even put some effort into the kids’ costumes, rather than making Garrett wear a “retread” like last year. So we had Hercules and Aphrodite in our house last night. They looked great! We went to a fantastic party at my friend’s house. Lots of kids dressed up, gorgeous house in the forest, fantastic food, and good company. It is so nice to be actually enjoying parts of my life again!
I still fantasize about having another child to do all this with again. I have enjoyed my kids so much. But I’m beginning to fully accept that it just probably won’t happen for us. It makes my heart ache to think that I’ll never get to hold or nurse or love on another baby. That Brandon and I won’t get to raise a child – from the beginning – together. We are not actively trying to conceive at this point – but we aren’t trying not to, either. So, if it is part of the universe’s plan for us, it will happen.
It makes my head spin to think about how fast time passes by. I remember a year ago, wondering how I’d get through the next hour, or the next day, or the next month. But here I am - over a year has passed since my world was shattered. And sometimes I can’t believe I’m here. Not just surviving – but striving to live again. I want to be the happy, outgoing, optimistic, satisfied person I used to be – but with much more wisdom. Ian would want that for his mom, I think. I miss you beyond words, my sweet Frog Face. I love you to the moon and back a gazillion times.
This one made me smile a little Trish. I like to hear the optimism in you and I love when you share your happy times. I think of you so much and I pray for your comfort. I love you all and want your family to be a happy one.