I’ll come right out and say it: I really have nothing interesting to write about. I think I’m a fairly interesting person in real life. But here? No so much. Oh well. I committed to it, so I’m doing it.
Today I accomplished something very difficult. Something I have been putting off for more than two years. I gave away some of Ian’s things. I haven’t done it for many reasons. Mostly because 1) it is so painful to go into his room and see the things we picked out just for him that he never had a chance to use and 2) I didn’t want those lovingly-chosen things to end up somewhere “unworthy.” My best friend in the world – a woman who has been absolutely unwaivering in her support of me – is due to give birth to a baby boy in March. I can’t think of someone I would rather give Ian’s things to. It’s odd how attached we can get to “stuff.” Well – not odd for me, really. I’ve always been somewhat of a pack rat: I hyperventilate a little when I throw away shirts with holes in them. You never know when you might need that, right? I’m the one whose heart starts pounding when faced with throwing away a little drawing one of the kids did on a napkin at a restaurant. “Stuff” holds sentimental value to me. So you can imagine how it made my insides feel to be giving up possession of the blankets and pajamas and onesies that held my precious angel. But it had to be done. Still, it felt a little like saying goodbye to him all over again. My friend and I we went through Ian’s room together – not sure I could have done it alone. I held it together pretty well until I started going through the toiletries. I was proud of myself…I was feeling melancholy, but not devastated like I would have a year ago. That is, until I got a whiff of the Mustela baby shampoo I always used on Ian. Then the tears came out of nowhere. Fiercely and quickly. What is it about smells that can evoke such strong memories and emotions? So, once again, my best friend comforted me. And we moved on. Hurdle cleared…forward march!
Here are this week’s pictures, from oldest to most recent:
01/02/12: Walking in the woods with Loki.
01/03/12: Our crazy dog, Freya, loves to try to eat the spray of water coming out of the nozzle. She doesn't care if she gets nailed in the face - she tries to bite it. Makes for some pretty good free entertainment!
01/04/12: Sunset in the suburbs.
01/05/12: Sunrise in the city. I was practicing slow shutter speeds.
01/06/12: My handsome son, Garrett. We went to Disneyland for the day, and I was practicing my portrait photography!
01/07/12: Baseball evaluations for Spring season. Can't believe another busy season is about to start - but looking forward to watching the kids play!
01/08/12: Mother nature at work! I am starting to figure out this shallow depth of field thing.
I am glad to see you started your blog. It seems like you had a difficult day but a good day all in one. I know today was hard but you have come so far and you are so much stronger then you ever give yourself credit for. You have a great family and I believe that the loss of Ian was terrible and I can never amagine what you go through everyday but talking with you and reading what yo post helps me learn new lessons on life everyday and I thank you for that. Take care my friend and I am glad that we have been able to bridge the gap between us over the years.
Good on you for starting this and sharing with us, this most difficult moment. You’re right, smells do evoke certain emotions in us and even though you were sad for that time, I know you are getting stronger after having gone through your baby’s things. Good luck and here’s to a stronger, healthier and happier year for you! I know you can do it!
I am happy that you are beginning to do this. It is not easy, but you are starting to heal. It will never go away, but the pain will dull, and you will be ok.
Hugs, Tricia! I’m proud of you. And nice job on the pics…I love the long exposure!
Im the same way with “Stuff” Tony just doesnt understand it.
I know that had to be hard Trish. <3
Hey old Pal,
I check this site often and I’m thrilled to see it up and running again! I think of you a lot and that can not be the same Garret!! OMG what a handsome dude!! How’s Lexi? Still singing?
It’s good to see you healing…
Deedee