I haven’t written for awhile. I wanted the “tone” of this blog to be upbeat and positive…but very little about the past week has been upbeat or positive for me. This blog – the way I saw it when I started it – was supposed to be inspiring (for myself if for no one else). It was supposed to be a journey through my healing and the road back to happiness. So, I’ve avoided writing. But this morning as I was, once again, contemplating my misery, I decided that this, too, is part of our journey. The bone-crushing sadness that I’ve been waking up to every morning is part of the path, right? Right? I know that I am teetering on the edge of depression. I’m doing what I can to stay away from that darkness. I was listening to Sarah McLachlan yesterday – which is, in itself, a sign of depression – and one of her songs desribed my feelings beautifully:
I feel just like I’m sinking
And I claw for solid ground
I’m pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
Oh darkness I feel like letting go
So how do I get out of this? How do I begin to move forward again? I had some momentum going when I started this blog. I had some hope. I could see a future that included happiness. Today – right this minute – all I see is the gaping void of the rest of my life. And all I keep thinking is this isn’t me. I’ve had a fairly happy life…I’ve never considered myself one of those constantly-down-on-my-luck kind of people. I’ve been a lot of places, done a lot of cool things, I have a beautiful, loving family. I have a decent, stable job. I’ve always managed to be a “half-full” kind of gal, even when things didn’t look all that wonderful. Which is why it is killing me to feel so sad. I’ve never really grasped the true meaning of “sadness” before. I was sad when my old dog died. I was sad when my mom had breast cancer. I was sad when my Granny died. But those things were nothing – nothing – compared to this heaviness of the soul that I feel now. And I don’t know what to do about it.
One of the things I’ve been struggling through this week is that this label – “the bereaved mother” – is a label I will have for the rest of my life. No matter what else I do, or what future happiness I have, that label – that lifetime membership to the horrible club no one wants to be a part of – will always be there. Even if Brandon and I somehow come up with the money for the tubal reversal surgery and, by the Grace of God, have another baby…I will always be a mother who has lost her child. And it just. makes. me. sad.
We are seeing our counselor tonight. I hope that tomorrow will be a better day. I hope I can come back on here tomorrow and blog about something enlightening or positive. I hope I’ll have some quirky observation about life to share with all six people who are reading this. I hope…because that’s all I can really do at this point.
Still thinking about you and sending prayers, Tricia. I hope tomorrow will be better, too. {{{}}}
Tricia, you’re right – it’s all part of the path. And the path is rocky…but you’ll continue down it, and you’ll ask for the help you need, and you’ll eventually have more good days than bad. You *are a bereaved mother, and it’s still fresh; that won’t always be your identity, though, only a part of it. You’re also a wife, a mother, a daughter, a friend…and all those people need you. That’s why you’ll continue down the path.
Tricia, I think way more than 6 people are reading this. I forget who but someone on the 35+ forum posted about this and your journey. I have been keeping up with you and thinking about you constantly. I hope you can come up with the money for a reversal. As usual my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Hugs,
Tabitha (from MH)
Tricia,
I agree with Tabitha~you are reaching way more than 6 people. There are people all around the country reading this blog and praying for you and thinking about you. I can’t give you any solace in your grief other than to say that I am continuing to pray for you and your family. I am truly sorry and can’t begin to imagine your sorrow.
My mom works with a lady who had a baby boy. She already had a son at home. Her baby boy was perfect in every way. On her first day back at work from maternity leave, she had a police officer come to her work and ask to take her to the hospital. On the way to the hospital she was informed it was her baby boy and that the babysitter had gone to check on him during his nap and found that he had died from SIDS.
I am not telling you this to make you even more sad, I am telling you this to let you know that it was horrifyingly devastating (as was Ian’s death), and she thought she might die from the pain. Several times she wished for death to take away the pain. She did however do what you are doing, she kept going because she had her other son, and her husband, and her family and friends, and she knew that she had to keep going for them. She got out of bed everyday and thought-just take it one minute at a time. She did go on to have another baby and I pray that you will be able to as well. Her baby died about 16 years ago and for a couple of years she did identify herself as a bereaved mother~but now she still misses him badly and loves him dearly but it isn’t her only thought anymore. She isn’t over it, but she has learned to live with it and it isn’t raw pain anymore.
I know that you will make it! You are a strong person and you are loved by so many and prayed for by so many that I know you will make it!
Hang in there and please know that you are always in the thoughts and prayers of so many.
Love, Suzanne
Hey Trish,
It is Rachel from MH. I am so very proud of you. It takes so much strength to share your feelings with so many people. (You know there is more then six)
Your feelings are perfectly normal….remember there is no time limit to grieving. I am still to this day grieving for my sweet little Cooper. Yes, you will have days filled with happiness, but you also have days filled with terrible sadness. Do not be afraid to embrace the sadness, believe me it is a huge part in becoming “normal” again. I thank my counselor so much for letting me embrace my sadness. God, knows what would have happened if I had let it stayed bottle up inside of me.
As a Mother of the “Bereaved Club” I can PROMISE you, you will make it to the other side and then you realize you are part of the most touching club of all……. “Mother of a Guardian Angel”.
Cry when you need, smile when you can! Just remember you are not alone!!!!
By the way Tabbitha was referring to Debbie. She has been doing a good job keeping us updated!!!
Lots of love girly,
Rachel and Baby Angel Cooper
Tricia, I think about you every single day and hold you and your family in my thoughts. Just the fact that you have flashes and moments of seeing a happier future is inspiring to me.
Dear Trisha, I love what Rachel said there about being the mother of a baby angel… it’s true that these are dark days for you. I remember them too well. I remember identifying myself as the “teacher who lost her daughter” for quite a long time. I would always take off on her birthday and on the anniversary of her passing, just because I was so afraid of crying in front of my students. But time heals. It really does! And now, I do not define myself only in those terms anymore. I still honor her memory and love her as much as always, but without that being what felt like my definition.
Please know, it’s oK and perfectly natural to grieve. Supporting you in thoughts and prayers.